Today has been… interesting…
I’m working all weekend to get this demo done, and as soon as I got up, it proved hard to get the effort to actually get to work… Just no energy and no drive… When I finally got to work, the build was in a state, which really improved my mood and general joy at the world… However rather than get really down and depressed at the world, I just started losing it… Then about lunch, a friend of mine was in happy mood, telling my about some good in there personal life. Which was great, I always get a good kick when things go right for a friend. The rest of the day, continued like the morning with issues that I just couldn’t take seriously. From stupid bugs in cgc that are fixed in a beta we can’t use, to the lifts being broken (of all days, my legs were killing me!).
I got home at about 7:00pm, feeling totally drained and apathetic. Didn’t feel like eating or doing anything and just crashed into bed at about 8:30pm, I don’t watch much tele as a rule, but as its fireworks night soon here, put it on to hide the explosion noises from me dog Monty (he barks very loudly at them). So had that on while, I did some home engine coding (its a security blanket for me strangely, something I can lose myself in no matter what…). So while sorting out a new VRAM allocator for the PSP, I watched Princess Bride and then Bedazzled (the remake). Both made me feel good, but also quite introspective….
One things I’ve always said, is that I don’t regret anything and that no matter what shit has happened to me (my fault or not), I would never wish anything in the past to change. Its based on the observation that we are simply the sum of our experiences, change our past no matter how bad and you change who you are… This year has really tested that but finally I think I’ve come to terms with it. I consider there to have been 2 life changing events in my life, one I never speak to anybody of, the other being my permentally smashing up of my legs. Both are ‘bad’ things but still they put the ‘me’ in me.
Think this year might count as another. The obvious one is losing my closest relative and friend, I’d lived with my Nan for the last 12 years and was the person I was closest too. Having that disappear in the space of a month or two (roughly how long from a bit sick to dead…) has been hard. Earlier on in the year I had to cope with a change in my disability that knocked my from my normal perch. Some interesting encouters with a few women have also affected me strongly. Has left me with real fears for my sanity at times….
But does my belief, that everything (no matter how bad) makes you who you are, hold? Fundementally if the devil offered my 7 wishes (like the film Bedazzled) would I wish this year away?…. The honest, no matter how hard, it is, is no I’d keep the year along with the two other really shit things in my past.
I’ve learnt some very painful lessons this year, but fundementally I think I like me more now than a year ago. I’m simply not the same person, the clearest example in my mind was at the Playstation Party was the way I just started chatting to random people (particularly women ;-) ), I would have never done it a year ago but now the fear involved with talking to people I don’t know just isn’t the same, its still there buts its a tiny voice compared to the fear of not meeting new people…
Even writing this feels strange… Why do I feel the need to share stuff? Orignally this was just meant to be a way of passing techy info around but now I’m attached to it both as that and as a diary… An event log of me and whats in my head, nobody ever comments so except for Dean (no I’m not talking in the 3rd person, I have a good friend called Dean) maybe nobody even reads its (I only know Dean does cos he’s mentioned it in the pub…) but its fairly theuripetic to share (I had got really good at not telling anything to anybody, I think I might have gone too far the other way at points this year but hopefully now I might be able to get a balence).
I think fundementally that the events and people I’ve meant this year have broke my hermit habit, I no longer like being alone in the world. Of course the problem I face fundementally is that I am, I’ve managed fairly well to keep myself from getting close to many people (particular members of the fairer sex), so now I have the need for much more company than I used to like, I ain’t got it. Funny in a dark humour way… you always want what you don’t have :-D
Quite what that means long term I have no idea.. Answers on a post card.
One question that nobody has been able to answer, is how is this blog is mirrored on Live Journal? Did somebody do that manually (I didn’t) or is it a bot. I’d love to know.
Time to sleep, before I get really thoughtful and start coming up with solutions to the serious problems of the world like the Middle East and making PS3 devkits in things that doesn’t drive you mad :-P
Of course I’ll read this at a normal hour of the day, and wish that late night posting of really personaly stuff was forbidden. Its like getting drunk and telling somebody you love them, it never goes well :-D